Sweetly broken, Holy surrender!

"At the cross You,
beckon me...
draw me gently,
to my knees, and I am...
lost for words, so,
lost in love. I'm
sweetly broken, Holy surrender!"

Lord,

Do you remember last spring when you put the words "total surrender" in my head and my heart? Jerry preached on it a little bit, and maybe that is when it started. I really don't know. I remember it was after I was well into remission, and I remember it was on a Sunday morning. But I can't remember much more than that.

You started very slowly with me. You got me to start thinking about what it meant to totally surrender to you. I argued with you periodically, trying to explain to you that I had already surrendered my life to you and that I loved you more than ever. And it was true; I was closer to you after the storm than I had ever been in my life. But gently, you let me know that it wasn't quite enough. It wasn't that you wanted me to surrender cognitively or behaviorally... you were looking for more. You were looking for total surrender, including surrender of my emotions, my will, and my life. I didn't figure that out until just today... nearly a year later.

On that first Sunday morning, you whispered in my ear, 'Give me your heart.' And I tried. But I was worried about what other people would think. It took a good four months before I finally was able to pry my cold hands off of my heart and give it over to you.

When I finally was able, then you said, 'Give me your praise.' And I tried. On Sunday morning, I began to praise you in ways I hadn't praised you before. But it was hard, because other people looked at me funny. I knew those looks all too well. I tried not to let it bother me, but it did. But, like a child learning to ride a bike, you let me fall down gently, and then you helped me get back on the bike. Soon, I learned how to praise you... but just a little bit. And you said, 'No, give me ALL your praise.'

You wanted total surrender.

And so I did. And it felt soooo good. And so, for the last three or four months, I've caught on. I can finally praise you like I want to praise you. I feel like I'm on fire. I feel those butterflies in my gut like I cannot get enough of you. I feel like I cannot get enough of my praise time with you. I feel like every praise and worship song goes so deep down into my soul and draws out a response that I have never had before... complete and total adoration, complete and total love, complete and total...surrender.

Sweetly broken. Holy surrender. I'm lost for words. I have only love.

Please, please Lord... don't let it stop now.